For as long as I can remember I spent most of my time of silencing myself to appease my family and peers. Don’t forget the years spent in the closet trying on different lives. Desperately praying they’ll fit me, only to come out dressed in whatever can blend me into the walls. Maybe then will I soak up more knowledge on how to exist properly and be liked. I don’t know how many different personas I’ve tried on. I wonder how many different voices I slipped into myself hoping they’ll sound better coming out of me. Hoping I can capture their audience times three. I don’t know how long that took, but what I do know is somewhere along the way I lost…Me.
My voice found me today. I must say it has been the highlight of my 25 years of life. I spoke so clearly for the first time in forever. My voice is a mash up of our past, present, and future in rolled into one. Her vibrations are as deep as tree roots. Like she’s been waiting to finally be used. She sounds sweet, strong, and sure. She speaks on what matters the most and relies on being present and vulnerable to keep her going.
I found myself caving inward today and eventually on the floor submitting to God. Thinking to myself over and over… “I don’t know what I want”. Eventually I found my strength and pulled myself up. I began to make movements that felt right to me. I walked to my glass sliding door and breathed. I took in the world around me and just….breathed. I stretched, I moved, I danced, I smiled, I created shapes with my body. And I honored my real first love: free expression through movement. Yet through the honoring I was still very stuck on getting an answer….What did I want and what was I going to do?
I was presented with options. Many of them. Do I continue in this world humans have created? Or do I keep getting high and live in my mind? Do I live as a way to impress others? Or do I live as I please only for me? I didn’t have an answer, but I did have tears. Plenty of them. So, I let them drop from my eyes and create a waterfall on my face.
What came through behind the wall of water was my voice. Standing in all of her might. In all of her glory with arms stretched wide she waited. Patiently, almost like she’s used to that. She was used to waiting and this time I was finally still enough to realize she has been waiting for me. As we embraced each other we shared tears together. Tears for one another. Tears for time passed that we’ll never get back. Tears for finally being together. What felt like a mother’s love engulfed me from the inside out. And I decided in that moment: I will never let this feeling go.
I’ll never let that feeling go. I’ll never let my voice go. I’ve finally found Me.