I’m ready to begin something new in myself. Today was the last straw of acting like and perceiving myself as a grown teenager. There is no such thing… I am an adult.
For a while, I resented growing up. I really did, laughably. I hated the new feelings and emotions being introduced to me. Like healthy love, vulnerability, and letting go. And these responsibilities can suck my left nipple; at least then she’d get a little action. Like what even is insurance and why do I have to pay to be taken care of?
In all seriousness, I didn’t understand: why did I need to grow up this way and not the way I desired? Why don’t I automatically know everything? Why wasn’t I given proper love as a child so I could recognize it as an adult and not sabotage it? Why wasn’t I trained on how to love myself from the moment I recognized my hands were mine? Why?
I have all of these moving parts inside and around me. The good, bad, ugly, confusing, unknown, unwilling, unchanging, exciting, exclusive, secretive, and alluring simultaneously exist all at the same time. I’m overwhelmed with my options in life. So much so that I have deleted all of my major social media accounts to block out the extra nonsense that is social media. I noticed how I didn’t know what I wanted, yet I “knew” it wasn’t what I have now. Or do I?
What was guiding me to this conclusion was social media… All of the pretty pictures, bodies, and personas. Now, I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my art, but online seemed like the perfect place to expose and express yourself. With a double tap of our fingertips, one of our major arteries is displayed on the post, the next to come are our opinions, finally followed by our decisions.
My decisions being based on someone else’s is no longer up for debate. In fact, it is time these foreign desires be deleted and diluted as much as possible. They do not belong to me and will never serve me. To want based on others’ wants seems crazy to me and in the same breath, it makes sense. How do we learn? How do I teach my students music? They copy my behavior… How does marketing to an audience work? How did making videos of ourselves catch on so quickly online? Do you feel me?
I was disconnected from myself and I didn’t know how I truly felt. My opinions were not being debated for entry into Heaven as I saw others online engage in daily. I didn’t believe my thoughts were valid or “right”. I felt like I was in a rat race placed inside a hidden world similar to a matrix. Today I decided: I’m finally dropping out.
It’s time….