What I have planned and what I think I want are not always what I get. This morning, I had every plan of driving 36 minutes from my boyfriend’s house to mine, getting dressed in my usual death of a rush after a crazy highway scandal with an added 15 minutes for “grace”, and going to work with no real plan as to what or who I was going to teach. My boyfriend cuddled me and commanded me, but mostly my spirit to stay. “Call out today.’ he said, and no, he didn’t proceed to lay the pipe. He continued about his morning schedule.
I felt lazy, wrong, and stressed out by the option. “I needed to work” I kept hearing distantly in my head. Too distant to make a clear enough declaration that would stick with me and command I obey its’ will. I grabbed my phone and began to make the arrangements. Actually, when I first tried to, I pressed a button for my phone to update instead. My heart started to race and my mind began to dry heave with uncertainty. Of course I knew I had to go to work; the same place that almost made me drop my vow of child safety and walk out. That same job.
After having a short weekend full of love and living, not just doing, but living how I want with the people I want. I was so tired this weekend, but made myself stay present, SHOW TF UP, and not stay in the house. My partner could see that. He could see the burnout on my face and remembers the stress and lack of joy at my current job. I am grateful for my current job though. God blessed me with it. God ordained it for me and I for it. I am grateful truly and need to act as such. I guess that’s why it was causing such distress this morning.
After thinking though, a thought came to my head: “why not embrace the life you want to live? Why not do what you said you would do and make your life what you want it to be? You can stop. You can go. You can build your life and live it your way.” Follow your heart, consult God, and LIVE.
On this beautiful Monday, the 20th of March, the Spring Equinox has come. So has the new astrological year beginning with Aries Season. As a fire sign, I love Aries energy and their overall confidence. Sometimes I can get intimidated by them and how loud they are. They’re definitely a powerful match for Sagittarius’, but we don’t really like to argue as much as they do.
So often times I feel depleted and defeated when around them while also being scared of my own boss nature because I actually have to prove it and not just defend it. I’m learning now that I always don’t need to be defensive. I just need to do what feels right in the moment. I know that each action will affect how tomorrow pans out. I pray the actions I make today are the best ones for me right now and for the future.
I finally have the freedom and the space to just be my creative self for the day. No random children to teach music to even though they don’t necessarily want a music lesson at the time. No random meetings with adults that could’ve just been an email. I miss parts of my routine and old life. I’m saying goodbye before that time has even come because I’m preparing for what’s coming next.
It feels good to be this person. It feels good to be Marisha. I’m raw, real, raucnhy, and all out in the open. I’m here. I’m here. This is here and this is now.
If I had a goal for this new astrological year it would be to keep living life my way on my terms. Accepting the ebbs and flows of life while I learn along the way. Giving myself grace and space for vulnerability. I know I must work and I also I know I’m in control of myself. I no longer wish to control anything other than me. That is true control and peace: the one you have over yourself. Which is why I must make this life mine.
Happy New Year! Care to share your resolution(s)?